i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
