i'm signing you up for texting rehab
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
