Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
