dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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