dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
