so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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