nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
