I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
