i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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