you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
