I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
