And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
