just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
