you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
