garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
