Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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