I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
