Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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