this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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