you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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