The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
