hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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