Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
