Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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