The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
