you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
