Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
