hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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