I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
