Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
