Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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