I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
