U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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