Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
