i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
