I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You took a bar mat shot.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
