he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
