By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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