Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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