i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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