i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
