If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
