____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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