Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
