Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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