So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
