so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
