Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
