There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
