Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
