There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
