Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
